I remember the moment perfectly. I was sitting in the parking lot of Woodman's. It was May 17th. I had been sitting there for 30 minutes because I had drove to the grocery store to grocery shop, obviously. But I had zero ambition to go in. I was crying and I didn't know why. I had to give myself a mental pep talk to go grocery shopping. The only thing that got me in the store was the fact that I could go to the liquor department first. I've shared this moment with people and they laugh because it's "funny" that I had to give myself a pep talk to go grocery shopping, and I convinced myself by purchasing beer first. Reality check: That's not fucking funny. That's a sign that something is seriously wrong and that a person needs help. This moment was powerful for me and somehow ignited a desire in me to actually change my life. My lowest moment gave me an immense amount of strength and courage to fix myself. I'll return to this moment later.
If you take the time to read this, I appreciate it. Chances are, you are reading this for 2 possible reasons. First, it's possible you're just extremely nosey. It's okay if you are, and I hope you take something away from the lessons I've learned over the past 8 months and are able to apply them in your own life or the life of a loved one. Second, you're reading this because you deeply care about me and you've been there for me this past year. You're thrilled to hear that my life is starting to fall back together.
I am not sure where to start or how much depth to go into, but this is something that I take seriously and have a huge desire to educate people on. I struggle with depression and have struggled with it for over the past ten years of my life. It's the most awful thing and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. 2016 has probably been the worst year of my life, easily. However, it's been a great year all at the same time because I've overcome a lot and learned a lot about myself.
In May 2015, I realized I was having a quarter life crisis. I was feeling stuck and not dealing with it well and essentially I was resisting adulthood to the best of my ability. I wasn't happy with my life and started to deal with my frustrations in a very unhealthy way. I began to drink a lot and regularly. At one point, I lost track of how many nights in a row I had been in a bar. Of course, a high alcohol consumption meant weight gain which also had negative affects on my overall mood and attitude about life.
At the beginning of the year, I had had enough of life and all I wanted to do was run away until I felt like I was ready to come back. I was in a job that I strongly disliked that didn't challenge me and had lots of negativity attached to it. I hated getting out of bed each day and dreaded going to work. I was desperately looking for another job but was not having success. I learned that mental health days are real when you have a job you hate and I took full advantage of them. It was something I never experienced before because I enjoy working and enjoy being challenged. My job at the time did not challenge me and I felt I had too much time on my hands to dwell in my thoughts and be in my own little world, which was fueling my depression. In my attempt to run away from life, I had planned to take a trip to Europe. I was going to quit my job and book a one-way ticket and come home when I was ready. And I had it all planned out. I had everything squared away with someone to care for Vogue and my cats while I was gone. But for some reason, when I went to book the ticket in February it just didn't feel right. For anyone who knows me, you know that I do not hesitate to travel. But my gut was telling me that "now wasn't the right time" and I decided to sleep on it. Well, long story short, there were a series of events that unfolded in the next 3 days about upcoming trips with friends as well as meeting a woman who became my world from the moment we met. Yes, a woman. For those of you who have know me for most of my life, I'm sure that's a huge surprise. But this post isn't about my sexuality because I am comfortable with who I am, and quite frankly it's 2016 and it shouldn't matter or define a person. For two months, this woman became my world and I thought I had met my soul mate and the thoughts I had about my trip seemed to make sense.
This blog post isn't meant to be about this relationship, but it was a huge part of the year for me. Ultimately, the time I shared with this woman gave me a reason to live and feel excited about my life. I loved her and thought we would be together for a very long time. Well, of course, I was wrong. The relationship was ripped from my fingers and I was completely blindsided. What happened was extremely difficult for me to accept and process. I still have respect for this woman because she was honest with me and gave me closure--something many previous people I've dated have not given me the courteous of. So, at the end of April I was feeling just as helpless about life as I was at the beginning of the year and had a broken heart to mend on top of it. My roommate put things well when he told me she "sugar-coated" my emotions about life for a while. The reality of the situation is that I was not in a place emotionally to date or carry on any sort of romantic relationship. I needed to fix myself first. Well, the universe was screaming at me loud and clear. And I felt like I couldn't ignore it. But I felt helpless and a large inability to control my emotions as well as deal with them.
It's frustrating to be 27 years old and not have things that you want. And by things, I don't mean materialistic things. I am so grateful to have a roof over my head and things to show for how hard I've worked. But, to be 27 and to be single and in a job you are not passionate about, it's ridiculously hard. I've watched so many of my friends get married and start jobs that are perfect for the them. What was wrong with me? Why wasn't it happening for me? I know what you're thinking. I shouldn't compare my life to others and my journey is different. Well, if there's 2 things I want the most out of life it's love and a job I'm passionate about.
So, there I was sitting in the grocery store parking lot. It was my lowest of lows. Do you want to know what my feelings were like every day leading up to the moment, and honestly, the same feelings I had until about a month ago? I wanted to die. I could not get out of bed in the morning. Every task and every morning was a struggle. That pep talk I had to give myself? That was me every single morning. I felt like I had to give myself a motivational speech just to get out of bed. I'd be driving and I'd think "I want this car to cross the center line and put me out of my misery." I made reckless decisions because I wasn't coping well and I didn't care if I was alive or not. I was severely depressed. On my days off, I would wake up at 7 and already have a nap in by 11. I had zero desire to do anything and it took significant effort for me to go about my daily life. Usually my mornings were the hardest and once I convinced myself to get out of bed, my day was manageable. That's why this moment at the grocery store was so powerful for me because it was 8:30 at night and I was convincing myself to do something that was so easy and simple. But for me, it seemed like a task that I would fail at. Some of you may read this and not relate to it. I hope you don't to be honest, because it's a terrible feeling. Depression is real. It's awful. And if you think someone can "snap out of it" I will bluntly tell you I think you're an idiot. Would you ever say that to someone who has cancer? Mental illnesses are very real and it is something that many people will experience in their lifetime. More than likely, if you do not experience it, you will know someone who battles depression. And that's what it is: a battle. A battle at times that leaves a person feeling defeated and like there is no way out.
I'd be lying if I didn't say that this year has been the darkest time in my life. But, the good news is that my life is starting to fall back together and I'm starting to feel like myself again.
How did I do it? Sometimes I'm not even sure. It was a combination of things. It was a Facebook post from a friend who had a job opening at Kwik Trip. It was one of my best friends, Suzanne, kindly and gently telling me that I should talk to someone because I wasn't dealing with my emotions and in a healthy way. She felt that therapy could help me have realizations in months that could maybe take years on my own. I got put on anti depressants. I quit my job that I hated. I stopped drinking. I started to eat healthy. I kept a quote on my whiteboard on my fridge that read, "don't look back, you're not going there," which I finally erased because I've realized I'm not looking back anymore. I'm moving forward with my life in a positive direction. I'm so lucky to have friends and family that just listened to me, and reminded me of my worth and what I have to offer this world. They let me lay in bed all day when I needed to but forced me to do something when I was not functioning for too long.
I felt like I didn't have control of my life. I was lost, confused, and in the darkest place I'd ever been and I'm not quite sure what even triggered it. I have ideas, of course, as I have illustrated here. Perhaps it was a combination of too much in too short of a time. And the fact that I was having too much time to mope. I can't believe it's August already and for the first time in over a year, I feel like Emily again. I don't dread waking up every morning. I went to work 3 days in a row and had people ask why I was so happy. The truth is, I didn't have an answer. And I hadn't heard someone say that to me in a year. I realized I was getting out of my depression and starting to see the light again. And it's a damn good feeling.
If you've taken the time to read all of this, thank you. I hope you yourself never experience the darkness and helplessness of depression. But if you do, or you know someone who does, just know that it gets better and it will pass. It might take a while, but it will pass. If it can pass for me, it will pass for you too. Don't be afraid to feel the pain or just lay with a loved one who is going through a hard time. And don't be afraid to tell them to get help because getting help is a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness.
I feel like a have a bright future to look forward too. I'm keeping busy in two jobs I enjoy, I'm spending lots of time with my horse, and I'm taking care of myself by eating right and exercising. I'm forcing myself to go to bed at a decent time and I'm feeling a high level of energy that I didn't know existed anymore. I have a plan. I've met an amazing woman who has completely restored my desire to give love a chance again. I don't know what the future has in store for us, but I'm hopeful.
I'm thankful for the moment I had in the grocery store because it finally gave me the kick in the gut I needed to take control of my life again. And I'm so thankful I have supportive and encouraging friends and family who love me I conditionally and never judged me for how I was feeling.
Life gets better. I'm living proof.
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